| Inertia |
[Dec. 1st, 2007|05:29 pm] |
I don't know if anyone reads this fucker anymore but i feel like writin' stuff.
I've been thinking lately about this:
It's an undeniable fact that we have near zero of of lives, and lack any capability to understand the consequences and results of any action or decision we make. Call it destiny, Will of God, whatever, any sentiment of control that we hold is a facade, an arrogant inability to accept the notion that we are utterly blind and helpless. There's a few of reasons for this, firstly, we can only predict the direct results any action we decide to take, secondly, we are directly effected by the choices others make, and, thirdly, free will can only be utilized when we consciously aware that a choice is being made. The fist part is, i think, fairly obvious. I can, for example, decide to smoke or not smoke and the result would be, if i chose to smoke, risking cancer, emphysema, and all those other nasty things the Surgeon General warns us about. Apart from that, i have no idea what consequences that choice will result in. If i chose to smoke, i could, for example, go to a convenience store to pick up cigarettes, stumble upon a robbery in progress, and get shot by an escaping criminal. Something that wouldn't have happened had i chosen not to smoke. And its here that the second part comes into effect, i.e. the choices the robber made that led him to a life a crime and resulted in him holding up the convenience store and being there to shoot me. And you can expound on it from there. Say the robber used to be a factory worker or whatever who had no need to rob convenience stores in order to survive, but, as a result of some poor management decision the company he worked for had to lay him off. And from there, say, one night, the manager of some large company's friends are in from out of town and invite him to go have some drinks. He goes, gets wasted, goes to work hungover the next day, makes some totally fucked up decision that costs his company millions of dollars, and forces them to lay off employees, the worker turned criminal that shot me included, to make up for the loss. And, it can go on and on from here, what if his friends had decided to come to town a day later? What if an oversight from an airplane mechanic had resulted the plane they flew in on to crash? Somewhere down the line, however, some decision, made by some person, maybe thousands of miles away, resulted in my death. It could go the other way too, maybe a far off chain of events led to some girl being at the convenience store the exact same time as me, i meet her, and fall in love, or whatever, as a result. In that case, a seemingly bad choice by me, taking up smoking, ended up having good results. As for the third part, that we have to be aware of a choice in order to make it, what if i had, for example, forgot my wallet on the way to get cigarettes. I get to the store, realize i don't have my wallet, and go back home to get it. Completely avoiding a robber that was going to shoot me. Or, in the other scenario, not running into the girl i was going to fall in love with. And this is just the tiniest slice of the cause and effects that are going on. Realistically, a million, a billion, a trillion, choices and events of seeming insignificance, some of which may have been put into motion hundreds of thousands of years ago, are shaping every moment in our lives. Its either utter chaos or the mechanization of some grand scheme far far beyond us, and our retarded concept of free will. Its easy to see a lot of this in your own life if you take the time to think about it, the obvious ones at least. Myself, for example, the moment in my life I'm at now can be traced back to some fairly insignificant and far off choices. Within my grasp of the chain of events, one of factors that led to me having the job i do now is Jason going to Cancun for spring break almost ten years ago. In cancun jason met his future wife while waiting in line to buy a drink --> after they were married Jason's wife wanted to move to Colorado to be closer to her family --> Jason goes to UNC as a Phys. Ed. major --> Jason decides that PE is to easy and switches to Geography --> I meet Jason in class --> A geography professor finds out about an opening at the Division of Water resources and recommends Jason for it --> Another job at DWR opens up and Jason recommends me for it. And this is just the most minuscule chain events that led to the result. I can think of thousands of other affecting factors and what ifs, and there are, almost certainly, an incomprehensible number of others. What if Jason had gone to another club the night he met his wife? What if I had chosen to take a different class then the one i met Jason in? Etc., etc.. The utter complexity is so unfathomable that no word, or even notion, exists to describe, or realize, its largeness. Free will is the most arrogant and short sited concept man has ever formulated. |
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| Much ado about something |
[Apr. 14th, 2007|10:31 am] |
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So, i find myself asking, more and more, "What the fuck am i doing?". I mean, here's the thing, i get up, go to work, come home, gym, coffee, home, tv - guitar - music - movie - whatever, sleep. Then i wake up the next day and repeat. "?". So, what the hell is that? It's nothing, its completely and totally goddamned pointless. And, honest to god, i can't live like this. It's like.. up to now i was doing something, going forward, and then.. screaching halt, and nothing. I do nothing. Seriously, what the fuck? what the fuck is that? Why do anything? Hm? Anyone know? Sure, there's plenty of fuckers who do just fine doing that, doing nothing i mean. But not me. Never. I seriously wish something totally fucked up would happen, something, anything. Some total goddamed catastrophe, a meteor careening into the earth, robot aliens coming to enslave us, dead rising from the grave, the Rapture, whatever. Fighting for survival, that would be meaning enough. I don't know... something better change soon, this is starting to bore the fuck out of me. |
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| Ain't journaled four ever |
[Feb. 23rd, 2007|11:58 pm] |
Man, i've been such shit lately, serious fucking shit, a giant putrid pile of shit. That's what my soul is, a giant smelly shitty bag of shit. It fucking sucks, effing sucks, f-word-ing sucks. I'm either sad as fuck, or angry as fuck, or bored as fuck, or angry and bored as fuck, or sad and bored as fuck, or angry sad and bored as fuck. Angry, Sad, Bored, and Shit, that's what i am. And i swear to christ there's no goddamned end in sight. I don't feel any fucking better I'm just getting used to feeling bad. I'm so screwed up right now its ridiculous. It's asinine. It's ridiculously asinine. And i think,"Wow, thanks a lot god, what the fuck did i do deserve feeling like this? Some fucking asshole somewhere is driving drunk at 90 miles an hour through a school zone so he can get home, beat the shit out of his wife and kids, do a line of coke, cheer on bill mother fucking o'reilly, and throw his general refuse in the aluminum only bin. But forget him, elvis is over there minding his damn business not fucking with anyone, let's go kick him in the teeth with our deific steel toed timberlands than switch to our razor sharp baseball cleats so we can dance the Savoy-Fucking-Charleston on his back. That's a much better mother fucking idea." I'm tired of fucking feeling like this. Its been what? 2 months now, and still just as fucking shitty. I wake up shit, i go through my morning shit, i eat my lunch shit, afternoon shit, evening shit, and than sleep shit. Take that, add a general ambience of fuck all this and all these assholes, and it makes for a fairly dismal day. And all i want right now is for all of that to go fucking away. But it doesn't, it doesn't even wane. It waxes from time to time but there's no fucking waning going on at all. Here i'll break down my day, the key is as follows:
^ - sad
* - angry
+ - dead inside
- - asleep
^^+**^^*^^+^^^*^--^-^-^-
So, out of those 24 hours only 5, the 5 "-"s don't suck entirely, i'm not saying they don't suck at all, they just don't suck entirely. Those, plus the periods of being dead inside, which are, in comparison to the "^"s and the "*"s, fairly manageable, are about the only reprieves i get.
So, yeah, in summation, this is worst I've ever felt in my life, and i would prefer, hands down, having my left testicle ruptured under a tractor tire to this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2006|10:05 pm] |
Some crap. Diabolic. Rathsnake. INcomperable. Triangulize. Summarilly. Thyme. Robot War Chest. Synergetic Rampart. New Age Sneakers. Old World Kleenex.
Boris Smeltzon. Tommy Cheelox. Bistro Bandinifierous. Freresomething. French class. Sundermove. Dolchock Readyassemble. Smeetmacking. Trent Smosely. Rosey Napsack.
Blistering Mead. Tomtot Tater baster. Bruise. With a 'Z'. Yo't not do that. I'm a plaster mask. Where's the time bomb? Bilateral Commission. Findings. Zeplethoric Anablaster. Toasty Rum.
Binchnik Understudy. Folmerrily Freezpotered. Derringer Rescape Plan. Landscape Plan. Fanfliction. Affliction. Plandamoious. Readilly Available dog drizzlers. Snow-Go Lefty Bushenmeaner. Period there.
Don't make that pudding. Don't make Matt Gooding. Delinterilous Perril... Dot dot dot. Casteroil Skateplane. Laundry Tote. Bungy Rope. Schmeenalamagarious. Go Go Gadger Bandercoot. Pennry's Blag. Slagnap. Slagrap. Slag-slag. Berry good, enough G's.
Buster Keatons gotta' meetin'. Bestlebew. Slanter.
I couldn't think of anything to write so i just vomited my brain out. Tommy Cheelox is a funny name, by the way. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2006|10:25 pm] |
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I found this remarkably humerous for one reason or another, the wikipedia deffinition of 'pwn': "The slang term pwn as used by the Internet gaming culture, means to defeat an opponent in a video-game in a manner so harsh it is indescribable in words." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2006|06:30 pm] |
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Ron Jeremy is in Ghostbusters part 1. Right after the EPA Dickless guy shuts off the storage machine and there's that scene where Rick Moranis goes "This is it, this is the sign" than Jenine says "It's a sign alright, going out of business", it cuts to a shot with a police barricade, on the far left of the screen is ol' man Jeremy. |
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| I Don't like Pennywise |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|08:00 pm] |
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I don't, they suck, bigtime. It's a huge mystery as to how one song can be regurgitated so many times on oh so many albums, and i have fuck for an idea as to why people like them so much. Lindberg's voice plays like a freakin' rappers, droning on and on and on hovering around the same note with ventures from that safety zone few and far between. The guitar sucks to, palm mute, palm mute, power chord, palm mute, palm mute, power chord, fast palm mute. Its shit, go to thier myspace www.myspace.com/pennywise, and i swear to god, if you didn't know any better, you'd think all those songs came from the same album, but alas there's a 10 year catalog represented there, and you could take that song and link it all the way back to 1995 with About Time. Seriously, someone's gonna' be all like, "Pennywise dosn't suck, you suck", and i'll be like "Nu-uh you suck, and like to have sex with farm animals while listening to Pennywise", then they'll say "Sheeeee! Your momma' has sex with farm animals", and i'll be like "Well at least she dosn't like pennywise, unlike your momwho insisted that i have sex with her while listening to Pennywise but i couldn't because the thought of doing anything to Pennywise apart from mocking or vomiting was simply obsurd, so instead, i screwed your mom to the soothing sound of me slapping her ass". At which i would be the insult master. |
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hermgelc's journal
